Please do not take this for anything more than it is: some gentle ribbing about living in (and through) the end times.
THE RAPTURE: OR, HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE ESCHATOLOGICAL OCCURRENCES
A One-Act Play by bourgeoiseaux
Person Expecting Rapture: Thin, with a fervent, earnest look about him.
Jesus: Just your everyday chill son of an omniscient and omnipotent divine being.
Outside a convenience store in a nondescript suburb of a North American metropolis.
[Enter PERSON EXPECTING RAPTURE and JESUS]
PERSON EXPECTING RAPTURE: Dude, what happened? You made us all look like assholes!
JESUS: [Looking sheepish] Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry about that.
P.E.R.: I mean, did you even take anyone up to heaven?
JESUS: Well, you know, it kind of just ended up being a chill day. Like, I watched a movie and some friends came over, and time got away from me. [Sighs]
P.E.R.: [Mouth slightly agape] . . .
JESUS: Plus, I've been having this back thing lately. I don't know, I think I should see a doctor about it or something. Maybe go to the chiropractor, you know?
P.E.R.: [Glowers] . . .
JESUS: [Half smiles] . . .
P.E.R.: What. The. FUCK?!
JESUS: [Coughs a little] Yeah, so, sorry to bail on you and stuff, but we can totally do stuff next weekend maybe. Or like, I don't know, get together during the week for a drink or something. If you've got time. If you're not too busy, you know, uh, talking up the whole “Rapture” thing.
P.E.R.: Dude, this is so not cool. Are you saying you're not into the Rapture? Because before you were saying . . .
JESUS: Well, I mean, “House of Jealous Lovers” was pretty great, but their album didn't really do it for me [Cymbal crash]. Hah, I'm just messin' with ya: I didn't actually like “House of Jealous Lovers” all that much, either.
P.E.R.: [Stares] . . .
JESUS: [Small chuckle] Seriously, though, you didn't need to, like, go on CNN and talk to newspapers or anything like that.
P.E.R.: But, Jesus, you said . . .
JESUS: [Sighs] It's like in some crappy 80s movie where they try and throw a house party because someone's parents are out of town and somebody makes like a poster or something and photocopies a bunch of them and puts them up all over town. And then there are all these people trying to come to your party, but you didn't really want to throw one in the first place. Like, maybe you were just hoping to veg a little bit with your parents out of town. You know, watch TV without your dad yelling at you to mow the lawn or something. Or your mom telling you to do your laundry or whatever.
P.E.R.: I don't think that's really what this is like. This was supposed to be the end of the world. The Final Judgement. You know?
JESUS: [Runs hand through hair] Look, we all say some things sometimes about wanting to see people more and hang out and maybe to be polite I said some stuff about carrying people off to heaven and whatnot.
P.E.R.: [Mouth fully agape] . . .
JESUS: OK, and I mean, yeah, looking back, it was maybe kind of shitty of me to say all that in the first place, but I didn't want to make a scene or anything. And if I'd known you were going to get so hung up on it all. I wouldn't have . . . I mean, I thought we were just kind of talking. So I'm sorry but, like, if you could just chill and be cool about all this that would be super.
P.E.R.: [Stares] . . .
JESUS: Can you do that for me? Can you be cool? [Makes “thumbs up” gesture]
P.E.R.: [Continues staring] . . .
JESUS: Sweet. Look, I'll give you a call soon, but right now I've got some people coming over. [Looks over shoulder] So, I'm gonna . . . I'm gonna go. You know. Hang out with them. But I'll call. I promise. I mean, not promise, but I'll do my best to call real soon.
P.E.R.: [Puts hand on Jesus' arm to stop him from leaving] But wait. Look, I just want to get this clear. So, you're not going to carry us off to heaven and damn all the nonbelievers for all eternity?
JESUS: [Shakes off P.E.R.'s grip. Looks embarrassed] Uh, not right now? Look, can we talk about this later? I just sort of left to get some coke and, like, pretzels or something for when people come over.
P.E.R.: No, Jesus. I'd really like to get this straightened out right now, please. [Folds arms across chest]
JESUS: [Nodding throughout and making gestures meant to convey contrition] I know, broseph, I know. That's totally understandable. And I appreciate how reasonable you're being about all this. I really do. You have no idea. It's just that now is not a particularly good time to talk about this. But listen, like I said, I'll totally call you and we'll figure this out. The world has plenty of time to end, right? I mean, hell, we've still got like over a year to show up the Mayans and their whole thing. Only, right now, I really need to get home. So let's just say it was my bad on the whole no Rapture thing and chalk that one up to poor communication. OK?
P.E.R.: . . .
JESUS: Cool. Alright. Take it easy, buddy. I'll see you around. Remember, drinks next weekend or during the week. [Holds out fist for fist bump]
P.E.R.: [Looks angry] . . .
JESUS: [Drops fist. Takes a step back] . . .
P.E.R.: . . . yeah. Cool. [Shakes head]
JESUS: Sweet. Peace out, bro.
P.E.R.: Fuck. Man, this made me look like such an asshole. And did he say he was having people over? Damn it. [Mutters and walks away]